Jokes!

[hampastie]

[quote=hampastie;146386]Love it DMG, ta
Last night, my Red Hot friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so pulled out a $10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 note and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 note. She called the guy back, licked the $20 note, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 note, calls the guy over, and licks the $50 note. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to on of his butt cheeks again.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!!
Now everyones attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50 note. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over !!!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks and left!!!!!

[dmg]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident..

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I hadjust loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F**k would you have said?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dmg]

John goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor says, 'I can't give you a double dose'.

'Why not?' asks John.

'Because it's not safe' replies the doctor.

'But I need it really bad', says John.

'Why'? Asks the doctor.

'Because', says John, 'My girlfriend is coming to see me on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday.

Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'

On hearing this, the doctor agrees but says, 'OK, I'll give it to you, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether you've suffered any side effects'.

On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling.

The doctor asks, 'What happened to you?'

John replies, 'no one showed up'.

[dmg]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, 'The rhythm method.' 'That will work,' said the counsellor, 'if you keep a good record.'

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth control pills,' she said. Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.'

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, 'The pail and saucer method.' After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim still. Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, 'I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.'

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, 'The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.'

He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?'

She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers....

I kick the pail out from under him.

[dmg]

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour,class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.